Untamed Traveler

Right now I’m somewhere in northern China, in a fairly rural area.

After my meeting with the factory, I was invited to a local lunch. It’s been quite a while since I’ve spent time in northern China and frankly, I’d forgotten about the adventurous nature of dining in the north.

On the way to the local restaurant, we passed a new winery. Outside the building was a bottle of wine and a wine barrel that was so big, it might have contained enough for both Alison AND Kim (coworkers) to share! (kidding of course)

I felt like I was in Chinese Napa Valley, only there was air pollution that completely clouded the skies. I’m sure that a sommelier somewhere will confuse that nasty sulfur air pollution that creeped into the vine as something pleasing to the palate. They’ll swirl their glass, shove their nose in the bouquet, and say “There’s an earthiness to the flavor that hints of good pipe tobacco.” I’m sure it’ll be advertised as winning 4 Chinese stars… which are not to be confused with any other country’s measure of good wine.

Okay, so on to lunch…

The restaurant looked pretty good from the outside and as you can see, the patrons seem fairly happy with their dining experience. The guy in front looks like he might be the type of guy who vomited in the hotel
last night too…

Okay, I’m over that now!!

As you enter the restaurant, you notice the tanks of living seafood; from fish, to shelled varieties, to sea slugs & urchins. They might have more varieties than Sea World! The smell is… well, the smell of the place is much like our lunchroom that day after Clara returns from a trip to Peru.

Our lunch was served in a private room consisting of a round table surrounded by eight chairs. In the center of the table sat a lazy susan (If my name were Susan, I’d protest to
someone… it’s like a susan slur…) The food is brought in one at a time and placed on the lazy thing and spun to each patron. All this takes place while the Chinese try to out drink each other.

The setting took me back 20 years when in northern China, it was fashionable to “fuck” with the American at dinner time. Between alcohol fueled “gambei’s, you were served a special honorary dish that, one time, consisted of a bull’s penis. (Damn big bull, as I recall)
Another time it was fresh shrimp…. as in live shrimp!

Having lived through those experiences a more learned person, I was on my game.

The characters around the table consisted of the stereotypical Chinese factory crew. The factory manager had teeth that were so snaggled, I conjectured that if his wife had the same issue, they surely could “lock up” with a simple morning kiss good-bye! I’m not sure how they’d break apart without a trip to the Chinese emergency room. I once saw a Facebook video of two buck that got their antlers stuck together. I’ll bet this has happened to the factory manager on more than one occasion.

To my right was factory owner who had Cammy’s dog logo’d on his shirt. He was a very good drinker but I suspect that I could have beaten him when I was in the game. I was damned good at it too and I could have turned pro. I’d have bet him a bull’s penis that he’d slur his Chinese before I’d slur my English. We’ll never know since I retired years ago. It’s kinda like the “would Ali have beaten Mike Tyson” thing.

To the owner’s right were three factory guys who spent the first 15 minutes trying to kill a lonesome fly in our private dining room. They reminded me of Moe, Larry, and Curly as they jumped around the room swatting in the air. They never did get that fly. (Like it mattered anyway)

To their right, was the factory owner’s daughter, who surprisingly… didn’t have a single visible mole larger than a dime. A couple of years ago, I jumped and shrieked when a factory manager’s daughter held out her arm to greet me. I thought there was a tarantula on her wrist. I mean that damned huge mole grew hair as I looked at it! I could do a coffee table book entitled “Big Chinese Moles.”

In front of each person, we found our dishware shrink wrapped in plastic. Okay, sanitized for your safety? No chance.

As a matter of fact, when I removed the plastic, the young attendant poured boiling hot water into the larger bowl. Then I was supposed to wash the other pieces, and my chop sticks, in the boiling water.

Next, lunch was served…

In the center is a boiling pot that contained lamb… potatoes… and something translucent that I suspect was stomach because the host said it was good for your stomach.

Generally, if the Chinese say it’s good for something, then it is what they say it’s good for. I’ve eaten things good for eyes, my skin, and of course there was that bull thingy.

A 12:00 are local peanuts. They are very time consuming to eat with chopsticks.

At 1:00 is soybean paste. I’d have eaten this with Syrian bread but there wasn’t any.

At 3:00 is the “stable to table” offering. Bernie, my Chinese guy / interpreter turns to me “try this… it is a meal” I responded “I know it’s a meal, but what is it?” He responds “it is a meal… you know” he pauses, “from the farm.” Alright, I’m thinking… this is a fucking game show and I have to guess what it is based on Chinese clues? Bernie then types into his Chinese smart phone. A few seconds later he says “it is donkey.” Oh, okay, I get it!

He was trying to say “mule.” Now, I don’t want to make an ass out of myself or anything but should I try the donkey? I thought of calling Clara for a quick consult. I looked at it a bit closer. The donkey looked like 3 week old, overdone bacon with a thick ribbon of either fat or skin on the outer side. I wished that I’d paid better attention in high school biology. I surmised that the donkey hair was burnt off during the preparation. Anyway, I passed on the ass.

At 4:00 is sort of a Chinese frittata made from egg and vegetables. It was quite good.

At 5:00/6:00 is what they called shrimp. Now, this doesn’t look like any shrimp that I’m familiar with. I watched the factory owner pick one up, turn the back away from his mouth and disembowel the thing in one oral movement. Damnest thing I ever saw. (I can only wish I’d have possessed talents like that as a young man) I watch him do it again and again. I’d have removed the legs, broken the shell, and dug the meat out with a cocktail fork if I had one. This guy was eating all of it. I passed on the shrimp to avoid choking at lunch. I doubt if the Chinese know anything about the “heimlick” maneuver. (not sure about that spelling but you know what I mean.)

At 7:00 is a tasty tofu dish.

At 8:00 is slimy Chinese mushrooms… I mean really slimy. When I finally got it cornered with my chopstick, it slid out of my mouth. The other half is a vegetable that might be like a cabbage root?

At 10:00 is a dish wherein you are supposed to use the little square rice sheet to wrap up an assortment of other stuff on that plate. The other stuff, however, wasn’t cut up small enough… so I didn’t understand what the hell to do with it.

At 11:00 is a bread type of dish. Normally this type of bread would have a sweet bean interior but this was didn’t… it was just bread.

The dish to the left arrived a bit late and consisted of rice and red beans turned into a deep fried biscuit. It was so fricken hot that burned  away two layers of mouth tissue with my first bite. Once it cooled down, it was actually quite yummy.

I’d have liked to have this with cherries and sugar inside…

So, that was a typical rural northern Chinese lunch. I must admit that I got pretty good at snagging those peanuts with my chopsticks!
I can’t wait for dinner!