On the last day of my China travel, I was convinced that I’d have no writing material this trip. Maybe after dozens and dozens of trips to China, my travel execution had finally reached a Zen-like state, wherein it all went according to plan. Not so fast, Bucko….
I boarded the United 767 in Hong Kong early, the benefit of “ airline status.” That status however, wasn’t good enough to garner a seat any closer than the absolute last row, 45C. While the seat didn’t recline because the back was against the restroom, I didn’t mind since it was an aisle seat on a very full flight.
If you ever end up in the last row, chances are, there won’t be any room in the overhead because that’s where the flight attendants put all their crap and it’s full even before the plane opens the door. I happily found open space for my bag! Finally, being in an aisle seat near a restroom and a good thing for a male in his 50’s. (learned behavior)
I settled into the seat and waited for the inferior people to board. In front of me was a nice young Western lady who gave away the fact it was her first trip to China, because she bought the rice paddy hat thing souvenir. I laughed to myself as she gently tucked the lampshade-like hat into the overhead, being very careful not to bend it. I thought “wait till the next Chinese guy throws his 60 pound bag on it…” I’ve seen many crushed lampshade hats in my travels.
In the window seat to my left was a young Chinese guy who I was pretty sure would sleep the entire time… he just looked like that type of person. I don’t know whether they take something… stay up for three days prior to flying?? I don’t know, but they sometimes never even move the entire flight.
In front of me were two empty seats and to the right those were another two empty seats. I know the seats were booked because I’d been checking the seat map on my phone before boarding in hopes of upgrading my spot.
It was then that I realized the trip would in fact be something special. My realization occurred when something went flying past me in the aisle, and then another… and still another…. What the hell was this? Damnest thing I ever saw! They ran past me through the galley, around the restrooms and back up the other aisle.
What went running by me were three tiny Chinese toddlers. Now wait a minute…. There were not your average Chinese toddlers. They were three toe headed blond, I mean white haired, fat, Chinese two year olds!!! In all my travels in China, I have never, ever seen white haired Chinese babies, people… anything!
I thought “maybe they’re Chinese Albino Baby toddlers?” As they came running by again, I tried to see their eye colors, knowing of course, that Albino’s have pink eyes. I couldn’t make out the eye color because their eyes were so slanted I couldn’t see in there.
So… we’re in the final stages of boarding the aircraft, there are four open seats around me, three Chinese Albino (I think) fat baby toddlers running around, and no one to watch them??
I looked way up the aisle and saw a western couple carting like, 8 carry-ons… sauntering down the aisle without a care in the world, without any sense of urgency.
Two thoughts occurred to me. The first is shame on you airline. Are you letting baby Albino toddlers have the same size carry-ons as big people? I’m going to read the airline regulations on that sometime. The second thought was “You’re the last people on the plane… where do you think you’re going to put all that?? Are you f’n moving or something?” AND where were you when the airline boarded families with small children first?
Now, if you’re keeping up with the numbers, there are 4 seats and 5 people. Okay airline… another question “Can a parent / guardian hold a fat Chinese Albino baby toddler in their lap?”
After delaying the flight while they find room for all their stuff, the “take your time, saint” couple finally corralled the kids and plane took off.
The young lady with the crushed rice paddy hat is really pleasant, trying to carry on a conversation with one of the fat Chinese Albino Baby toddlers sitting next to her. I chuckled to myself knowing that the rest of the passengers would have to pull her off the little demon within two hours after takeoff.
The more seasoned passengers around me knew what was in store and I could hear them asking each other for Xanax or any pharmaceutical that would ease the coming pain. Some guy named Leon from Detroit ended up with a fist full of money and later an empty brown prescription bottle with the name “Ethel” on it came rolling down the aisle past me.
For the first 15 minutes, I thought the three fat Chinese Albino Baby toddlers would prove me wrong… until our “saint” parents lost one of them. “No, we can’t stop the plane” said the male attendant to the saint mother. “He has to be on the plane…. Somewhere…”
Now, the fat Chinese Albino Baby toddlers should be pretty easy to spot since the parents (or guardians) dressed them all the same; in yellow and black striped sweatshirts… they looked kinda like bees.
Just then, I looked down and caught one of the fat Chinese… you get the drift, I’ll just start referring to them as “kids” – crawling under my feet from my row to his row in front of me. I tried to get a glimpse of those eyes but slits were too small. It’s hard to see adult Chinese eye color much less a baby’s!
This particular “kid” must have been the ring leader. Mother Teresa, I mean… his mother… couldn’t catch him. Just his mere absence got the other two riled up and they started getting restless. One actually started beating on this old Chinese woman with a Hello Kitty doll and she cowered away, not even trying to stop him. After seeing that, and another one biting a Chinese guy’s ankle, I figured that the Chinese probably thought these the three fat Chinese Albino Baby toddlers dressed like bees were demons or something. Maybe the Chinese government exiled them and that’s why they were with a western couple. I don’t know. I’ve just never seen a blond Buda so I don’t think this is in their culture…
Okay, where were we…. Oh yeah, one missing, two terrorizing passengers. They were up, they were down,they were running, they were wining in Chinese…. the adoptive parents had no clue what they were saying, nor did they understand the term “discipline.”
There were Chinese cheerios everywhere! (I always thought that cheerios were the internationally accepted method of childhood sedation, but apparently, I’m wrong.)
Behind me, leading back through the galley was a line of passengers waiting to smack the “saint” parents. Why? Why? Well the first reason is that Leon from Detroit was only charging them 5 buck each, and secondly…. They needed smacked! On more than one occasion, I heard the mother’s sternest calm voice say “Ming, now you take that fork out of that nice woman’s leg…” or “Ding… stopped pulling that man’s hair. We don’t do that in America.” WHATTT????
The father was no better. He was holding Ping, the third one, trying to watch a movie and Ping threw his juice cup against the screen and… yuck…” I’d have smacked the kid silly but the dad, just squeegeed it off with his hand and kept on watching while Ping… or maybe it was Ding, continued to flail violently in his lap.
Passengers tripped over the Hello Kitty toys that were strewn about the cabin.
At one point, one of them had his shirt off and for a moment I thought they all might be midget Sumo wrestlers… oh, sorry… that might not be politically correct…. I should say “small persons Sumo wrestlers” I think…. Anyway, no offense intended. Then I remembered that scary movie about a 37 year old lady that broke out of the nut house and dressed up like a 12 year old girl, who was later adopted by this unsuspecting family… and AHH!! Could they be?
I must have been thinking about that movie, The Orphan, when I awoke to find one of those little devils looking at me from a foot away. I screamed and he screamed but I still couldn’t see what color those eyes were!
For the next 14 hours…. That’s correct people…. 14 hours. Ming, Ping, and Ding terrorized, spit up on, threw food at, and caused havoc on flight 885. I must admit that after a harrowing 14 hours, those odd looking kids began to strike me as somewhat cute, perhaps not unlike the last girl in the bar at closing time. There was absolutely nothing to compare to.
I can’t help but think that in 20 years or so, you’ll turn on the newest James Bond movie and his arch nemesis’ will be a much older, fatter, and still white haired set of Chinese Albino Triples, who by then will resemble that wack job from North Korea if he had white hair.
As we approached Chicago, I asked the now frazzled adoptive dad… “Hey, I have a short connection, do you mind if I go in front of you?”
He answered: “Sure, we have an hour.”
I’m thinking… it is clear this guy doesn’t have a clue… it’ll take him and his saintly wife an hour to tie up the kids, find all his crap, and exit the aircraft! He’s not even aware that he then has to go through customs, rebook his baggage, go back through security… all the time explain why they are in possession of Chinese triplet albino baby toddlers!
I started to respond: “You don’t have a Chinaman’s…” Oops, I stopped and restarted. “Look, you might try to look for backup flight options when we land… it’s going to be difficult for you to make your connection.”
He nodded “No, we’ll make it” and then turned to one of the kids “Hey… take that damned power cord out of your mouth Ping… or are you Ding or Ming?”
I really need to book earlier next time to get a better seat…..
Untamed Traveler 