Untamed Traveler

Dear Finance Dept:

I hereby submit my expense report for a recent trip to China and while you may note irregularities, I assure you that all charges are ordinary and necessary for business.

Thank you,
Jeff

Upon arriving in Shanghai really late Tuesday night, after being delayed in Chicago for 8 hours, all I wanted was a decent cup of coffee and a shower. I booked the Hilton, hoping for a small slice of western hospitality before flying early the next morning to a dismal factory city in southern China.

The first 10 minutes of check-in went fine… I provided my passport, my Amex…. I signed , I signed again. Fine, I’ve been through it hundreds of times. I looked at my room number, 30612, and headed for the elevator.

I got on the elevator and was followed by a Chinese guy. In the three seconds that it takes to figure out the buttons, the guy put his room card in a slot, pressed a button and the elevator took off. I then noticed that the 30th floor wasn’t an option so I put my room card in the slot and pressed “L” hoping for a quick return to the lobby. Meanwhile, the elevator ascended, stopping at every other floor, taking on new passengers, letting people off… and it took about 10 minutes to get to the lobby again.

Here’s where I’ll coin a new term… “reary.”  Reary is kinda like “hangry” only you are not hungry. “Reary” means road weary, tired of traveling… just want to get to the room kinda attitude.  After 10 minutes trying to get back to the lobby, I began to feel “reary.” All I wanted was a cup of coffee and a shower.

I went back to the check-in counter and asked the hotel clerk: “How do I get to my room?”

The young Chinese clerk, who picked the English name “Sapphire” as evidenced by her name badge, looked at my room card and responded: “You in executive tower 3… go to 3rd floor.”

Dutifully, I went back to the elevator and pressed the call button. I  waited what seemed like forever for the elevator to come. I finally got on and I exited on the 3rd floor as I had been instructed.

I look around for something… anything to tell me where to go. I meandered down a hallway and saw a young hotel worker.  “How do I get to my room?” showing her the little packet with my room number. She smiled and pointed down the hallway. I continued…. I passed large room containing a ping pong table… I passed a spa, the pool, the workout area… I mean this was like 150 yards of walking. I finally arrived at what looked like the executive area.

Behind a large mahogany desk, sat a Chinese girl and guy in hotel issued, matching black suits. They smiled as I passed. I saw two elevators, one open, so I got on. A lady came in right behind me, swiped her card and the elevator took off. Now I didn’t see floor 30… the control panel ended at floor 18… So I pressed 3 again. Meanwhile the elevator stopped to let people off and on and after another 10 minute ordeal, I exited on floor 3 again.

I walked up to the Chinese girl and guy, seated behind the big mahogany desk. I pushed my little room card holder in their face and asked: “How do I get to my room? There is no 30th floor.” By now I’m fully reary.

The Chinese girl looked at my card and answered: “You on 6 floor. No 30”

I respond: “How would I know that?”

She answered: “Because I just tell you…”

I paused and remembered that I was in China. This WAS completely frickin normal in China. Her job was no doubt to direct people to their room, only after they had taken a not so scenic elevator ride.

By now, understand that the taxi from the airport was 45 minutes and it took me another 45 minutes to find my room….  ALL I WANTED IS A CUP OF COFFEE!

FINALLY, I arrived at my room! I can’t describe how good that felt! Now for that coffee….

As a seasoned China traveler, I filled the water pot and plugged the unit into the wall socket after matching up the plugs to the right kind of wall outlet… there are at least 3 versions… why, I haven’t a clue.

I unpacked my Taster’s Choice singles and my small jar of powdered creamer. Now… I know I said “good” cup of coffee and while in the US, this would most certainly not qualify as a good cup of coffee, in China… trust me, this is a good cup of coffee.

“Now, where are the cups?” I looked in the bathroom…. on all the counters… in the closet… and finally I opened a drawer in the buffet thingy and there’s a slot for 2 cups and two saucers. But in the slot is only one cup and one saucer.

I immediately knew that I will be charged for the missing cup and saucer. This is the Chinese way… they will demand payment for the missing cup and saucer so I mentally prepare myself for the battle. I’m fully aware that I didn’t not win the broken toilet seat battle in Shantou a couple of years ago, (a different story) but hey… I’m willing to fight.

As I examined the cup, I noted that it’s tiny…. maybe 5 oz? It’s one of those black matte glaze types. The saucer was square, with a raised rim. Because of the small size, I figure that I’d have to ration the coffee to maintain the proper coffee to water ratio.

After 10 seconds, the water boiled. (not sure what type of electricity does this but it must be really powerful here.) I rationed the coffee and I filled the little cup up, taking in the aroma.

A few seconds later, I noticed that the coffee level in the cup was going down and the saucer was filling up with coffee! WTF???? There’s a hole in the cup? I ran to the sink and dumped out the coffee, worried that I might drink a ceramic shard and end up in a Chinese hospital being acupunctured like a Chinese porcupine!

Experience told me that it was probably as micro crack that only opened up when the cup was hot and the matte glaze made it invisible while cold.

There was no other cup in the room. There were two glasses but I immediately dismissed drinking coffee from a glass. This is too great a faux pas even in China. The thought of me drinking coffee from a glass with a sock wrapped around made me ill. (I’d have to insulate the glass with a sock)

So…. I did the unthinkable. I called housekeeping; “Kneehow….. (Chinese for hello) this is Jeff Richards in room 30602 and I need a cup.”

“Chingy… chow chow… waka so” Naturally they didn’t understand.

I repeated my request and then I heard two or three Chinese talking back and forth in Chinese. Then a female voice said “One moment please” I continued to hear Chinese voices until someone came on the phone. “Can I help you?”

Finally, someone who speaks English, I thought. “Yes, my name Jeff and I need cup in room 30602”

He responded: “There are two cup in room”

I said: “There are not two cup, just one cup and it broke” I realize I just spoke Chinglish!!!

He responded: “what cup?”

In Chinglish, I answered: “Coffee cup”

He returned: “I bring coffee”

Quickly, I said: “I don’t want coffee, I just want the cup”

He said: “What cup”

I responded rear-ily: “A fucking coffee cup!” “Look, never mind…. I’ll call the front desk”

I dialed zero (the international digit for front desk) and who answered? The schlep I just talked to. I just hung up.

I looked for the front desk number on the room phone…. Come on… this is a major Hilton here people. I saw an emergency button but refrained since this hasn’t quite reached the emergency stage yet, although it was certainly getting close. I saw a “magic” button. What the hell, I thought… so I pressed the magic button.

Just then, someone knocked at my door so I hung up and opened the door to find a Chinese guy standing there with a pot of coffee. WHAT? AND… he has no cups!

Chinese coffee is a thick muddy dark, batch of burnt, bottom of the pot roasted, toasted and… oh you get the picture. My nose burned from the sharp stench.

I let him in and I showed him the cup with the crack in it. My Chinglish is not working at all. It was clear that all he wanted was a tip…. so I tipped him, put the coffee on the counter and I clicked the magic button on the phone once more….

“Room Service” responded a female voice….

“I need a cup for my room…. A cup for my room…. Just a cup…. An empty cup…. That all, can you bring me a cup? I ask in my best “Rainman” impersonation.
“What cup?” she asked.

Here we go again, I thought,  but I can’t help it. “A cup for coffee… just the cup but no coffee.”

Okay she responded:“We bring”

OMG… I thought, wow… that’s really wasn’t as difficult as I thought… maybe China is changing… advancing…. then a knock at my door….

Yep… you’re right…. The same guy with another pot of coffee and no cup.

I said nothing…. I just tipped him and put the two pots side by side…..

Finance Department:
On my China expense report, you will see a charge for 2 cups (I know they’ll also charge me for the broken one) and one saucer, two pots of coffee at 1 am at the Hilton in Shanghai…. Of course the invoice is in Chinese so maybe you will not notice…. Just reimburse the damned thing!  In China, this is all normal!
Thank you,

Jeff