Untamed Traveler

“Mechanical issue sir?”

From all fours, halfway under my pickup truck, I turned my head to see a shiny pair of shoes upon which were draped dark grey slacks with a perfect crease. The cars were whizzing past the entrance to Route 376 East.

“No officer, I was retrieving my athlete’s foot spray.” I said as a stood upright, aerosol can in hand.

I must admit, the state trooper looked a bit puzzled. I think his pause was more confusion than strategic. He looked at me, awaiting further explanation.

“Well officer, I’m on my way to the airport to go to China. I left my house and I’m driving down 376 when I thought… “Did I put deodorant on today?” I tried to remember but I couldn’t remember actually spraying it on…”

He still looked confused, so I continued…

“As I was driving, I stuck my fingers down my shirt and into my armpits but I couldn’t tell either. Then it occurred to me that it’s going to be, like 26 hours, before I get to my hotel room.”

“Have you ever been on a flight with a guy who forgot his deodorant? I don’t want to be that guy, so I had to stop and put deodorant on.”  “Sure, I thought about putting it on at the airport but the restroom by the entrance is tiny and I would have been in the way. AND, this isn’t the type of thing you do in public.”

“So, I pulled off the exit and then back on the entrance…. pulled into the berm… and opened my suitcase in the back.” I point to my suitcase on the back… he still had that “keep explaining to me look.”

“I opened my suitcase and took my deodorant out and that’s when my athlete’s foot spray fell out of the plastic bag and rolled beneath my pickup.”

“I absolutely had to get my athlete’s spray because if I get athlete’s feet in China, there’s no way I could explain it.”

He put both hands on his hips… a possible sign of impatience…

“Picture yourself in China, officer. You get athlete’s feet and you tell a Chinese person “I have athlete’s feet.”

“What are they going to think?”

“They’re going to think that the American is bragging. It’s like saying I have Einstein’s brain or George Forman’s fists. To the Chinese, having athlete’s feet make you faster, enable you to jump higher… why the hell would you just announce that you have athlete’s feet? They probably have a totally different name for it… probably something like “little razors between your toes, or something like that.”

“Not everything translates Officer.”  I stood there a bit disheveled, my shirt and undershirt were out from shoving the deodorant can up to my arm pits.

He never broke his chiseled face during any of my explanations.  He simply said “Have a nice day sir” and he turned and walked back to his cruiser.