I Learned Something Else Today

Every trip I take seems to bring me another lesson or two about what to do and what not to do during foreign travel. Failure to pay attention to these lessons would result in negative experiences, which of course, we all try to avoid.

For example, I learned to pack an extra pair of shoes after being caught in a rain storm in Ho Chi Minh City in Vietnam. Actually, it was a couple of days after the rain storm… when my blisters developed blisters, that the lesson sunk in. My shoes were still wet and my skin raw.

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The Flight From Handan

The day started off well as I affirmed for the 140th time that a population of 1.3 billion people can’t construct a shower that will not flood the bathroom floor. Drying my skivvies may have been a bit easier if the hair dryer worked, but, oh well. I was just happy to leave this God forsaken city of Handan.

Handan is a shit hole of a city… the crotch of China… a smelly, stanky, stain on the map. I swear that if I am ever re-incarnated as a Chinese baby in Handan, I will shove my rattle down my baby throat at the earliest opportunity in hopes of drawing a better card next time. Continue reading

Is that Elvis?

I’m a People Watcher….

In traveling around China, I see thousands and thousands of people. I’m a people watcher. Watching people is the only thing you can do while waiting hours and hours for planes, trains, and donkey carts.

Some people look like Chinese versions of other people. Some look like combinations of people… like this one. If you mixed Mike Wolf with Jimmy Fallon, you might get this Chinese guy I saw at the train station. Continue reading

The Quanzhou Hotel Gate

It’s rainy season here in southern China. The air is filled with a misty haze that isn’t quite rain and isn’t quite fog. I’m told that it’s been like this for two weeks straight and is likely to continue for another two.

Another factory host promptly arrives at the hotel at 8 am. Another day…. another long drive to a place not served by rail or air. Today’s drive will be 4 hours each way, with 3 factories to see. It will be a long day.

The hotel is a sort of compound, with a guard shack and gate. The gate is a “railroad track” type barrier that goes up to permit cars to pass. Coming or going involves stopping at the gate, a verbal exchange, taking or giving back a credit card sized pass, more verbal exchange… and then the raising of the gate.

In China, this ritual is accomplished by at least 4 men. It is their job and life’s work to operate this gate, at this hotel. They are dressed in a quasi-uniform, perhaps suggesting they are military but they are not. It’s all about order, rank, and procedure.

One man occupies the guard shack. He is in charge of giving out and taking the little pass. He no doubt is required to record all visitors on a 3 part form separated by carbon paper. The form probably contains a name, perhaps a company or business purpose. At the end of the day, he is required to make sure he accounts for each pass. The carbon copies are separated, summarized, and one copy is sent to a central warehouse in Beijing. I’ll bet it is a huge warehouse.

Another man works the gate. The control to the gate is not in the guard shack, that would be too easy. This man gets the nod of approval from the guard shack man and he dutifully raises and lowers the gate. He does it with intent and purpose…. every day… at that hotel.

The remaining two men are a bit of a mystery. My time in China has taught me that one of them is probably a  supervisor, whose job is to make sure the other three operate the gate according to the 52 page training manual on gate opening and closing procedures.

The 4th man, I’m guessing, is either an apprentice gate opener… or just a spare guy, on hand in case one of the others has to piss or is off sick.

In China, this is how you keep 2.5 billion people employed. You replicate this same redundant process for every job possible.

Imagine someone’s life’s work is to be on the gate team at the Quanzhou Hotel. Can you imagine the conversation at home?

“So, Chan… how was your day?” Asked wife Suzie as she prepared the rice and noodle dinner. Chan replies “It was very interesting today. We had 48 visitors, many foreigners.”

Suzie: “Wow, that was a busy day Chan. Were any interesting?” Chan: “You know I can’t divulge details of my job, Suzie”

“I know Chan, forgive me… please don’t tell the central committee that I asked” Suzie pleaded.

And so it goes in China.

Still Another Shanghai Cab Ride

I left Shanghai’s Mayfair Hotel at about 5:30 am for my 8 am flight to Taiyuan, a central China city most known for glass manufacturing.

At 5:30 am, I didn’t know what to expect in the way of traffic but I know well the international rules of flying which dictate that the plane will, in fact, leave without me if I’m not there.

In Shanghai, a city of 20 million or so people, there would certainly be some traffic, some activity. Even multiplying the population by the insomnia rate and surely you’d have a few hundred thousand people who had to be doing something on the streets at that hour.

Well, I found only one taxi. I jumped in and in my best Chinese, said “Take me to Hongchow airport terminal two.” I think I may have coughed or garbled something as I finally found that fish bone that had pierced my gum during last night’s dinner. (the fish was full of razor like bones, it was like biting into a porcupine!) Anyway, between my bad Chinese, a cough and a garble, the cab driver must have thought I said “take me to the airport at the speed of light!

This guy puts his Chinese foot to the Chinese metal and is flying… I’m talking flying down the streets of Shanghai at 5:30 am! I swear this VW cab was on two wheels as we turned! These poor insomniac Chinese people were jumping out of the way, coming within inches of being hit.

taxi

My first instinct was to put my seat belt on …. oops, forgot I’m in China… seat belts aren’t always there. Most of the time the connection end is shoved down under the seat and you can’t find it… particularly when you are in a full panic mode.

My next thought was to thumb through my English/Chinese, Chinese/English phrase book to find out how to say “SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, JACKSON!”

When we got to the elevated highway, he must have hit the turbo switch because we accelerated even faster! I’m thinking “If this cab blows a tire, not only will I be ejected from this rocket, I will fly over the elevated highway a hundred or so feet to the payment below… AND, this friggin cab will fall on top of me!” (I thought of Wiley Coyote falling off the mountain and then the boulder falls on him… same thing only different.)

I caught a glimpse of myself in the cabbie’s rear view mirror and I actually looked Chinese! We were going so fast that the mach 5 wind speed was pushing the skin on my face back and making my eyes squinty!

I finally just yelled “SLOW DOWN CHINESE DUDE YOU’RE SCARIN THE FUCK OUT OF ME!” He either understood me or could smell the shit in my pants because he brought it down to about 100 mph.

About five minutes later, we reached the airport… about the time I quit hyper-ventilating!

Needless to say, I had plenty of time to catch my flight…. I think there’s something about taxi drivers that’s cross cultural!